On Nov. 19, 2020, my dad passed away from complications of Alzheimer’s disease. As you read this post, I want you to remember a phrase that you’ve probably heard before: All Superheroes Don’t Wear Capes.

I’m pretty sure that my dad was my first hero. When I was a child, my dad got a new car. It was a 1983 or 84 silver Nissan Maxima. Yes I remember what it looked like and how it smelled. But the thing I liked about it the most was that it talked. I went everywhere telling everyone I knew that “my daddy got a new car…and it talks.” You couldn’t tell me anything because my dad was cool even though I didn’t know what cool was back then. I believe that started my fascination with cars; one I still have today. Cars were cool and so was my dad. 

As I grew up, particularly the pre-teen and early teen years, I saw my dad as stern. He expected certain behavior and wouldn’t take any less and that went for anyone. He was also a man’s man. He was into sports and I couldn’t care less about it. I tried to like it though, but after one season of soccer and baseball, I knew it was not for me. All I wanted to do was listen to Janet Jackson. During this time dad was climbing the corporate ladder and it seemed like the little things that I wanted from my dad I didn’t get. The quality time, the patience and the fun I felt I got from one of my uncles were not things I felt were high on his priority list. The lesson here though would come later. But I knew he loved me. He taught me about giving back to those in need, the value of education and how working hard manifests your goals and dreams. 

Things began to change in our relationship though when I was 17. I was coming to terms with with my sexuality; and the biggest hurdle in that was expressing it to my dad. I will never forget the conversation we had. He told me that it was okay and that he loved me no less. He freed me from the jail I put myself in when I didn’t even know I was in it. That day he showed me what unconditional love is and that being my full self was okay. 

We became closer as time passed. He took me on one-on-one business trips. I, of course, was just looking for a good time but he had a lesson. He introduced me to his coworkers and business partners, teaching me how to interact with all different types of people. It was a quiet lesson because he never said “this is how u act.” He just led by example. But it was on one of these trips that he sat me down at breakfast and told me that he wanted to apologize to me. In my early 20 something years of age I didn’t fully grasp the enormity of such a statement. In my head I was like yeah you owe me an apology for when this happened and when that happened; mostly material things that I felt I didn’t get. But what he apologized for was his behavior. He realized that at times he took anger he had at himself for some of his actions out on me and that he may have put too much focus on work. I was flabbergasted. But that moment opened the door for us to become not just father and son but also friends. The power of apology and forgiveness can heal relationships and communication breakdowns. What it showed me, that I didn’t know then, is to allow people some grace in their actions. Most people are not trying to harm or hurt you. They are just living their lives the best they know how. Allow them the space to be themselves and honor them by trying to understand who they are and how you can move forward with them. 

From then on, I saw my dad as a completely different person. He became a confidant. He gave me business advice, first of which was to cut my hair so I’m sure he wouldn’t understand why my hair is long again but it’s 2020 and we’ve been through a lot this year; and in the words of India Airie, “I am not my hair.” He gave me relationship advice and always stressed wanting me to be happy and have a family. The family is still TBD but I’m working on it dad.

He continued to show me how doing the right thing would manifest positivity and that doing the wrong thing would bring hardships. He would use his personal experiences as examples of what that looked like. Luckily, I can listen to advice and take it without having to experience it unlike some of my wonderful siblings. But he also knew that about them so he tailored his lessons differently for each of us. Sure he would get upset when we didn’t listen and he had no problems letting us know and some of us got the angry talk more than once. We’d joke about it later and my aunts would ask “but did he spit on you?” Of course it wasn’t an intentional spit. He just would get really close and had a juicy mouth; and it was funny to watch but only when you weren’t the target. 

In 2015, my dad received what I imagine to be the worst news of his life. Alzheimer’s disease was taking over his body. I can’t imagine the mental and emotional toll that took on him and I pray that a cure is closer than we know. During this time, my life changed drastically for I was no longer a son and friend. I now had to become a caregiver as the disease progressed. But what it allowed was for us to become even closer and gave me the opportunity to see what a true fighter looks like. Through his disease he never let his spirit die even until the day before his transition. I think that is the final lesson my dad taught me while he was still physically here because I’m sure he will still teach me more. But the lesson is: Your spirit is the manifestation of God’s love and the love of those he put in your life who have poured into you. Never let the adversities of life dim your spirit. Thank you God for the spirit of my father for it is now free to watch and protect us because now he does not have to be worried with his physical body. 

I started this post by saying “all superheroes don’t wear capes” and I will finish it with this addition, instead they wear wings of unconditional love.

I love u dad. Thank you for loving my whole self with your whole heart.

– Brandon